The Voices in My Head.

I am not a crazy lady. I promise. Sure, there are certain times (like when all three of my children had head lice and chickenpox at the same) where I probably looked, acted, and felt a bit unhinged. But, that was a passing and temporary condition. Aside from those outlying experiences, I am a perfectly rational, calm, and logical gal. Totally sane. Not crazy. I do, however, occasionally hear voices in my head.

Just yesterday, as I listened to my oldest daughter tell about the imaginative game she had watched a group of fourth-graders play (having just come back from volunteering with the after-school program at our local YMCA), I heard that old, familiar whisper in the back of my head.  

See... public school kids aren't bad.

Of course public school kids aren't bad. I never said public school kids were bad. I didn't choose to home school because I thought public schools (or public school kids) were bad. I chose to home school because I felt like home schooling provides the opportunity for an even more rich and deep educational experience. 

Sure, it provides the opportunity for that. But, is that the reality in your home schooling? Is the experience you're giving your kids as rich and deep as you want it to be? As you thought it would be? As it should be?

I... I think so. I mean, we don't get around to doing history and science everyday, if that's what you're asking. Sometimes it's all we can do to get through reading, writing, and math. Some days we don't even get to all that. To be honest, I know my kids will certainly never win any spelling or geography bees, like a lot of other home schoolers do, because we haven't emphasized those areas, I guess. Okay, because I haven't emphasized those areas. Or PE. Or music.

Wow. Sounds like there are a lot of areas you don't 'emphasize,' huh?

I guess so. I mean, one of the main reasons we wanted to home school was to build character and practice our faith. And, I think we're doing alright in those areas. Maybe. But at what cost? When I really think about it, the academic areas we don't emphasize are the areas that are harder for me, or which I don't think are terribly important, in the long run. I know I should probably do more, but there are only so many hours in the day.

Of course, maybe you could manage those hours better if you got up earlier, didn't spend so much time on the computer, didn't let your kids watch so much TV. Maybe then your kids would be smarter. 

Maybe they would. I don't know!! You think I don't have the same doubts? You think I don't run myself and the kids ragged trying to stick to a great schedule for a couple of weeks, only to fail, and then feel even worse afterward!?!  I'm only human. I know I'm not perfect. I'm doing the best I can, you know!

I know you are. Maybe that's the problem - you. Maybe you're not really cut out to be their teacher.

But, I really want to ...

Maybe you don't have the knowledge it takes to do this job.

But if I keep...

Maybe you should just put them in school - just for a semester. It would be the safest option, after all.

But...

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Sound familiar? I bet so. We, as home schooling parents, are very susceptible to conversations like these. That inner voice has been known by many names - doubt, fear, the world, the Accuser. It comes and tries to mess with my head at least a dozen times a week. (When I first started home schooling it came much more often. These days, I'm better at ignoring both it and the groans of protest my kids sometimes raise when I get out the math books. I'm much happier on both counts.)

Anyway, despite the fact that I often hear voices in my head - a criterion that is used to diagnose mental illness - I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am, indeed, playing with a full deck. As a home schooling mom, it does not mean that I am crazy that I hear these voices. What would be crazy would be to listen to them.

So, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go exercise my sanity by attempting to teach three different children, of three different ages, three different things, all at the same time. If that's not the definition of perfect mental health, I don't know what is.